Crying

The first few months

You and your new baby are on a learning curve - even if he's not your first. It takes time to tune in to the newest member of your family, and learning your baby's cries will be part of this process.

It's never 'spoiling' to attend to your baby's cries.

Colic may cause excessive crying in the first three months and while it may not be possible to 'cure' it, there are soothing techniques you can try. All parents need a break from excessive crying or it can become unbearable.

Your baby's cries tell you how he feels, and it's part of the communication between you. At first, you may not always know what to do to soothe and reassure him, but you'll start getting it right more and more often as the weeks go by.

Responding to crying

• Crying is meant to get your attention and is designed to affect you so you'll be quick to find out what's up
• Babies never cry to wind you up, they have no idea about your needs or how crying might make you feel
• You may worry that being quick to go to your crying baby could create bad habits or spoil him, but the quicker you respond in the early days, the more secure he'll feel - research shows babies who've been cared for in this responsive way cry less as toddlers
• He'll grow more confident and understand that you're around for him and he can trust you - he'll learn to wait eventually, but right now he needs you to come to him straight away

Reasons for crying

In the early days, before feeding patterns are established, hunger is probably your baby's main reason for crying. Many parents find feeding responsively is easiest at the beginning.

You may feel there's no point in worrying about setting routines just yet. Talk with your health visitor about feeding routines if you're concerned or not sure.

Other reasons:

• Feeling too hot or too cold
• Colic or wind
• Needing a nappy change
• Feeling bored and wanting company
• Being upset and wanting a cuddle
• Getting overstimulated
• Wanting to be held
• Feeling pain

Seek advice from your health visitor or GPr if your baby's crying seems unusual, or if it goes on and on and you're unable to comfort him.

Excessive crying

Some babies simply do cry more than others. Reasons why include:

• Temperament - each baby is different and some will be more 'fussy' than others and may seem to cry more, often right from birth, with no obvious explanation
• 'Jumpy' baby - some babies may be very sensitive to touch or to changes
• Difficult birth - for example, babies who were born prematurely, or those who've had to be in special care
• Environmental change - some babies can be more sensitive to changes in their surroundings or care routine
• New developmental stage - babies often cry more just before they take some big steps in learning or growth
• Tension - some babies sense when their parents are tense and it can affect their behaviour, but are you feeling tense because your baby cries a lot, or is he crying a lot because you're tense?

Comforting your baby

• Sucking - whether at your breast, a bottle, baby's own fingers, thumb or a dummy, sucking is always comforting
• Carry your baby close - snuggle him close to you in a baby carrier or sling
• Massage - gentle stroking and massage of all kinds can help calm your baby, but don't massage his tummy before he's four weeks old, miss out his spine and avoid nut-based oils such as almond oil
• Music - rhythmic sounds or music can help comfort newborns and even the droning sound made by a washing machine or vacuum cleaner help soothe some babies
• Movement - rock him in your arms or a cradle, or push your baby in his pram
• Fresh air - get out and about because even if the crying doesn't stop, it won't seem quite so bad outdoors
• Wind - some babies feel better after they've had a chance to bring up some wind, so try placing your baby in an upright position against your shoulder and patting his back gently
• Bath - a warm bath can instantly calm some babies, but be aware it can have the opposite effect
• Take your baby into a quieter room and soothe him by gentle cuddles and soft singing

Crying in older babies

Babies cry when they're beyond the newborn stage, too. There are a number of possible reasons:

• Anxiety - some babies get worried when you're out of sight, especially after about seven to eight months
• Wanting company - he isn't crying to be naughty or manipulative but because he wants you to come, and is pleased when you do
• Teething - not everyone agrees that babies cry because they are teething, but many parents are convinced it causes some crying
• Having new fears - your baby can start to feel afraid for no clear reason, for example, the sound of the vacuum cleaner or at the sight of particular animals
• Loss of a comforter - when your baby becomes attached to something he finds soothing, perhaps a dummy or special toy
• Knocks and bumps - obviously more common once your baby gets mobile

A grizzling or whining type of cry often begins in older babies. It might help to think of it as your baby's conversation and say things like "I know you're tired and cross" or "I know you're fed up with shopping".

Night crying

By a year old, about one in every three babies still wakes up during the night.

Night-time crying can be the hardest for you to bear as you may be tired yourself. If you feel you're getting desperate - and your baby is more than six or seven months old - you could ask your health visitor for advice on sleep routines.

Coping with never-ending crying

Some babies do cry a lot and seem very hard to comfort. Get help and support, and if you find you can't stand it any more, put your baby in a cot or somewhere else where they're safe and take time out elsewhere in the house.

Vicious circle 

Is your baby crying because he knows you're tense and uptight, or rather, are you tense and uptight because he's crying? Babies aren't mind-readers, although if someone is holding them awkwardly, they may be uncomfortable and cry as a result.

Try to deliberately relax your muscles and let your shoulders sag. Try a smile - even if you don't feel like it. Your baby will be calmed by the relaxation in your muscles even if you're still feeling quite stressed.

Don't get upset

Your baby won't cry forever. Generally, as your baby gets older he'll get more interested in his surroundings and will cry less.

You may feel you're losing control and have an urge to shake him. This is extremely dangerous

You may find you lose your temper with your baby. You may feel you're losing control and have an urge to shake him. This is extremely dangerous. If you feel this way, put your baby down somewhere safe (in his cot or pram) and try to calm yourself.

Don't feel angry with yourself or him. If you're finding it difficult to cope, remember you're not alone. Cry-sis can put you in touch with parents who've been in the same situation and felt the same as you may do.

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